Self Analysis Sucks

Self Analysis Sucks


It does suck, especially when you take a long hard look at yourself, and you find something that you really don't like. When I say that I left Oilfield ready to quit shooting, I don't mean that I was ready to quit, but I did walk away feeling that it was probably my most disappointing match ever. I had the highest expectations for myself, and I tied it to a performance that indicated it was a lack of effort on my part that prevented me from reaching my own goals. I had maddening glimpses that make me believe I can do it, but what's missing is the effort needed to build the skill and accomplish my goals. Yeah, I said it, effort and hard work are what I'm missing.


The grip issue I had at Oilfield in some ways highlights what I see my issue being. A month ago I wrote about my grip, how important it was, and how practicing it would really help me improve. Somehow though, I practiced it wrong, in my dry fire I'm sure that I never had my strong hand thumb on the safety, I spent a month practicing it the wrong way, and I never did the live fire I needed to spot the issue, and it manifested itself at the absolute worst possible time.


Before I moved, when I got out and practiced with Les and Kozy, I had a regular routine. I'd dry fire 4-5 days a week for 30 minutes a session, I'd shoot once with Dave, and once with Les and Kozy, and I'd go thru 400-500 rounds a week in practice. If I had the thumb issue there, I'll guarantee it would have been spotted quickly by Les or Kozy, first practice, maybe the second? I never would have continued to practice half-assed, and build a bad habit. Those guys made me hold myself accountable, and I worked a lot harder. My level of commitment was not as high as theirs, I don't think I stand a chance to earn a GM, and be worthy of it, but I wanted to improve, I know they dry fired for an hour or more, and they ran double the rounds in practice a week than I did, but I worked.


At the beginning of the year I knew I needed to find a practice partner, and I was unable to find anyone who was interested, so I agreed to shoot with Linda. She wants to get better, but her level of commitment is lower than mine, and her investment is sometimes less. It's not that she doesn't want to, but the new job has really taken away much of her free time, and she has had a hard time being able to commit. I know she wants to, I know she works at it when she can, and come next summer, when she has it off entirely, she'll really dive in, but that doesn't help my situation.

Illinois had a great shooting community, and I was lucky to have two of the best local shooters to work with, I learned a ton by watching them, and I know they did me a massive favor by spending time teaching me. Since I've come to Texas, I've asked multiple USPSA shooters to go out and practice, or suggested things like that, take a wild guess how many have ever taken me up? If your answer is zero, then you'd be right. (As a side note, the people who are have asked, or told me I should come with, are all the 3-Gun shooters, and I suppose that helps explain my interest. It's not just that it's fun, but it's made even more enjoyable by the awesome group of people....that same sort of thing I experienced in Illinois with Les, Kozy, and the rest of Wiilshoot.)

Yeah, I was lucky to have good shooters include a C/B level shooter and work and help me improve, at least in USPSA terms, I haven't found or met someone who's willing to work at all with me. I suppose it's a direct result of their impression that I would not push or bring something to the table, and I won't say that hurts, in fact it pisses me off and drives me to want to succeed.

In any case, I realize that I may say that I want to get better, but this year I've failed at doing what I needed to do to get better. My level of commitment and investment did not add up to what I was saying I wanted to do, and that bit of self-realization absolutely sucks. As we get closer to winter (and my work goals get completed) then I should have some more time to commit, and saying I don't have it now is an excuse. There is no reason I can't get 20 minutes of dry fire in each and every day. I need to work to get my live fire in, and I won't sugar coat it, that's the hardest thing for me. The range is further, I don't have the props to use, and it's a pain in the ass to set-up, and shoot, then tear down and go. In addition, I never would have caught the safety/grip issue myself unless someone else was there, and I don't have someone to practice with.

In 2016 and beyond I want to come out and smoke some of these people, I want to improve my game, kick some ass, and find out how good I can be. I realize the first step is on me, to get my dry fire done, but I'm not sure right now how to even get started with the live fire portion. I know that just going, even by myself is far better than not going. Maybe I had it easy before, having experienced shooters to guide me, and allow me to progress faster, but it's disheartening to fail on my own.

I'm going to shoot some 3-Gun and just relax, think about things. I've got to decide if my level of commitment can match what I want to accomplish, and then where exactly I need to start. I need to set goals that are achievable, and if I'm not going to work, or earn them, then I can't expect to reach them, I need to adapt, set lower expectations, and enjoy what I'm doing. I never want to feel again the way I did last night walking away from Oilfield.

I don't know that I've ever lowered my goals, or stepped away from a challenge ever, I've always invested more time, more effort, worked harder, and did absolutely anything I needed to do, in order to succeed. This is probably the first time in my life I've ever questioned my own desire and work ethic, and I don't like the way it feels.

I know it's time to HTFU and get going, and I'm not going to wallow in this, but I do need to get an achievable plan in place, with goals I can measure, and then I need to live up to my own commitment to get it done. Honestly? I started to shoot because I wanted to compete, I love that feeling, deep down, I need to win, it's not just that I want to win, I need it. I can't just be a guy who shows up to have fun, that's not me.