Discouragement

Discouragement

Yes, I’m throwing a pity party, and it’s going to last until I’m done writing, so deal with it. Tonight was a pretty rough night at the MISS Match. I got DQ’d, that’s disqualified, for those who are not shooters, but then again, if you are reading this you know what it means. I started a stage facing up-range, and had to run to the right, and I broke the 180 degree rule, where my gun was pointed up range. It’s dangerous, it’s wrong, and I absolutely did it. I know it. The R.O. was behind me, and was not in a place where he could clearly see it, but thankfully, and I mean that, Kozy caught it and called it and stopped me. I've got no problem that he did, it was the right thing to do, and you don’t mess around with safety, ever.

So, why did I do it, and did I know I did when I did it? Second part first, yes, I knew it when I did it. During walk thru I ran out to use the washroom, I came back in, did not walk the stage, and I went back to scoring. Point of fact, I only walked the stage twice, and quickly at that. I was more interested in where I was going to put my feet and shoot some targets on the move. I never once practiced during walk thru where and how I was going to draw my gun. Some people are good enough to see a stage, know it, and not make a mistake, but I’m not there yet. I know I need to focus, plan, and make sure that I execute the plan that is in my head. I did not do any of those things, and it cost me in a dangerous way.

Sure, you can say that everyone makes mistakes, and that’s true. Everyone does make mistakes, but there is a difference between a mistake and an error you repeat. You see on the 2^nd stage, I was having a very solid run, and I blew past and did not engage a target. The 2 mikes are bad enough, but you tack on a FTE and the stage is darn near blown. I should have taken heed from that mistake, a mistake I made two weeks ago as well. I know I've got to walk things thru, I know I have to have my plan in mind, something I worked hard on to improve this summer, and the last two matches I made mistakes. This time, bad enough to get myself disqualified. Bottom line is I disqualified myself, someone else just called it.

So, how am I feeling right now? I feel like shit. I let myself down, and what’s worse I feel like I let “my side” down. I've got friends who are there pulling for me, and doing something that dumb was a let down to them. They've invested time, and effort in me, and that’s just not a good way to say “thanks.” I honestly had a hard time looking 'em in the eye after that. I know they are not judging me as harshly as I am judging myself, but I just feel crappy about it. Part of me says I'm beating myself up too much, but another part says you can't stress safety enough. Am I beating myself up too much? Probably, but toss in the fact that my shooting tonight was not great, that I know I had at least one flinch (but I think just one) and I’m in the dumps. I feel like shit. I don’t feel like I’m showing progress, I feel like I've regressed. Now, let’s be honest, that’s bullshit. I have gotten better fundamentally, and the rest will come, it’s just hard to see it right now. 

Les said a few things to me last week about the mental aspect, and Kozy did as well, and tonight they kind of ring true. I heard what they were saying, I thought I understood it, but the message did not sink in. I've said so many times that I “need” to get better. I’m driven to improve. I say to myself that it is fun, and it is, but six months ago, I was just shooting and having pure fun. I never argued a line call, I never asked what my hit factor was, and I never asked or cared where I finished on a stage. The game itself was fun. Last week I said that getting better was fun, and I stopped having fun “just because”, when I was a little kid. I was wrong. I’m not saying the game is not fun, I was just unburdened by no expectations. These days, getting to “B”, I put all sorts of expectations on myself. I need to get this much better by next week, or I need to shoot this much more accurately by next week. Every stage is about the hit factor, and it’s not about shooting. It's good to care, but I've got to focus again, it's about having fun, the scoring will come.

Kozy told me that the mental aspect was holding me back, and I did not want to believe that. I’m not saying I brushed it off, but I did not hear it. I said to myself that I've performed in higher stress situations, in front of more people, in situations where I was every bit as passionate as I am about this, so I knew how to handle the mental aspect. When you start thinking you are okay, or know it all, that oughta be a sign that says to stop, and think it over.

So, where is this going? Well, now that I’m about done, pity party is over. It’s time to HTFU, and think a little bit. I've got a long drive tomorrow, and some serious windshield time. I’m going to find that place again where I’m shooting with no expectations, no pressure. I’m going to have fun, just for the sake of doing it. I’m going to practice hard, and to the best of my ability, and I’m going to stick with my process before shooting. I’m going to do what I need to do in order to succeed. That means less bullshitting with the guys, and more time walking thru things, and committing the stage plan to memory. The kind of DQ I had tonight was 100% my fault, and inexcusable, simply because I could have avoided it if I had been smart.

Tonight I made some mistakes, but I learned a little bit about myself. I see how stubborn I was being, and that I need to get past that. I learned that I put more pressure on myself than I needed, and I’m not proud of how I handled that. It's never easy to admit you are wrong, or there is a fault in you, but yes, I was wrong about a few things, and there is something about myself I don't like. Now that I see it though, I can fix it, and I'll come out the other end a better shooter, and even more importantly a better person. I will say I'm glad I wrote all this down, and got the bullshit out. Now that I've got it out, it's done and over with, and I can focus and have some fun. In case I'm not clear, pity party over.

Congrats to Les for getting a 100% on his classifier and earning his GM card tonight! That's some inspiration to pick myself right back up, and go! Way to go!